“When I said ‘I do’
I meant that I will
To the end of time,
Be faithful and true,
Devoted to you.
That’s what I had in mind
When I said ‘I do’”
(Words from a song)
Where and when did it all start? The incompatibility? The refusal to reconcile? The climbing divorce rate? The beginning of the end of marriage?
Time was when marriage was a living, breathing, loving partnership. Unequal at times, perhaps, but the shared plans, dreams, laughter and tears evened out the odds. Anniversaries coming and going, marking the years, rubbing off the hard edges, fitting together more comfortably, growing older but staying young at heart, listening to Jim Reeves singing that touching reminder – ‘Memories are made of this’ – marriage is romance, most certainly, but not the fictional romance of Mills & Boon.
A wise man once told me, ‘A husband is not the handsome guy in a well-fitting suit with a stretchable wallet who buys you expensive gifts; he is the man who will be the father of your children.’ And for the man who seeks a wife, she is not the arm candy or the life of the party, she is the one who will be the mother of their children. Whether there be children or no, the ‘mothering’ and ‘fathering’ qualities make sure that the course will be stayed, that the nurturing will be there, that the sharing will be complete because man and woman, husband and wife, need to be halves of a whole. They are each other’s support system, ‘for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...as long as they both shall live’.
Is marriage to the ‘right partner’ a dream come true? Certainly not! Everyone retains their individuality and certainly has the right to – this means divergent reactions, different wants, different needs, different purposes. All good marriages have their rough and rocky moments and time shows how and when to compromise; one just has to weather the initial turbulent patches – not easy, but certainly possible. You pull in different directions but you know, instinctively, when the bond has reached snapping point and you relax the tension, take a deep breath and start over, one retreating step at a time. A sense of humour helps. As does the art of conversation, where each one listens as the other speaks.
I am no marriage counselor. On the other hand, I am privileged to have married into a family that has witnessed several silver weddings, a few ruby anniversaries and at least one gold. Would we like to go back and do things differently? Perhaps. Would we choose the same life partner, given a second chance? Most definitely, yes!
When you set out on a long and difficult hike, you invest in a stout pair of shoes. When you set out on a marriage, you need a stout heart. Which is why, when you set out to meet at the altar, if you do not mean ‘I do’ please don’t.
